Title: Joe's Frog
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac,
Prompt: Nervous
Word Count: 501
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Contains Spoilers to Reason to Believe.
Summary: Luka deals with a newly received package

I've never felt so nervous, and I don't know what I can do to change the situation. A package arrived at the hospital yesterday addressed to me, inside was a note from C. A., and Joe's little stuffed frog. I wanted to throw up, I felt so sick at seeing it, at realizing the implications behind it I know, I'm not making any sense, I need to explain.

Curtis Ames was a patient who came through the ER, he presented with a variety of symptoms and ended up suffering a stroke while he was there. He blames me for what happened, he thinks I was negligent, that I didn't do enough, when in fact he refused a treatment that might have helped him even though it held some risks of it's own. So he became obsessed with suing me, he lost his job, his wife took his children and left him, he lost his home, and he blames me for everything. When I won the lawsuit I thought things would go back to how they had been, I guess I was wrong. Then the other day, I ran into him at the hospital again, and he told me he was going to appeal, I don't know what he hopes to gain from this, but I know I don't want Abby worrying about it.

A few days ago Abby said she couldn't find Joe's favorite little stuffed frog, we tore the apartment apart trying to find it, but couldn't find it anywhere. Then today, it arrives at County, sent to me by Ames. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. How long has he been stalking them, watching everything they do? I don't want that man near Abby, and I definitely don't want him near my son.

I showed the envelope to the police, they didn't think it was anything to worry about, but how can I not worry? How close was he to my son? He knew his name, he knew the toy was his, do I have to wait for him to take him before anyone will do anything? I won't let that happen, I won't lose him, I can't lose him.

I almost told Abby about it, I took it with me to Ikes, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I can't have her worrying the way I am. I threw him away in the trashcan outside, Joe's frog. There was just something about the idea of him touching it after Ames had done whatever he might have done to it. No, I just couldn't handle the thought of that, so I threw it away.

I think for now I'm going to keep this to myself. I want Abby to enjoy this time with Joe, I don't want her memories of his childhood to be spoiled by fear for his safety, the way mine for Jasna and Marko were. In time I may have to say something, but not yet, not yet.
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Sep. 24th, 2006 09:41 am)
ER/Luka Kovac 100. Worried
Title: A Father's Plea
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Worried
Word Count: 484
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Contains Spoilers to Bloodlines
Summary: Could history be repeating itself?

Abby doesn't want me with her, she says it's because she doesn't want Joe to be alone but I can't help wondering if there's more to it. Does she blame me for not being there to protect her when the shooting began in the ER, for not being there able to stop the contractions, to keep our son from coming too soon? Logic tells me that there was nothing I could have done to prevent either thing but and as I stand here watching Joe sleep I can't shake the feeling of hopelessness that threatens to consume me. All the years of training, all my years of hands on experience, and here I stand doing nothing.

I can't help but find my thoughts returning to that tragic day in Vukovar when I lost Danijela and the children. I know now that Marko's death was never one I could accept blame for, that his life was taken before I even found him. For years I second guessed my actions on how I tried to save Jasna, wondered if I might have saved her if only I'd had more experience, if I could have left Danijela and carried her to a hospital. It was the same with Danijela, though I know I could never have left Jasna to die alone to save her mother.

With Joe it's different, here I can only watch, he's so close and I can't even touch him. I lay my hand on the incubator and I imagine my hand is on his chest, I imagine that I can feel each rise and fall as he struggles for each breath and I find my own breaths altering to keep pace with his as if that might somehow help him find the rhythm he needs to survive. I worry for him and find myself praying to the God I had turned away from for all those years, begging him to spare this small life and not take yet another child from me.

I don't think I realized it would be like this, but then too wonder if it's anything I could ever really have planned for? Abby and I talked about how we would parent our child when he or she arrived, but neither of us knew or could have expected him to arrive two and a half months early. We hoped, as all parents do, that he would be healthy, and as doctors we understand too well the realities that his early birth brings with it.

Maybe it's because I've already suffered the losses of two children, but mentally I know I'm not prepared to lose another child. So, with that in mind, I'm willing to set aside the facts and the statistics, and I'm even willing to turn back to the faith that I'd abandoned. For Abby, for all he has yet to experience, for me, please, let him live.
dr_luka_kovac: (upset)
( Sep. 16th, 2006 09:10 am)
Title: Is this it?
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac,
Prompt: Stressed
Word Count: 510
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers to 21 Guns
Summary: Has Luka finally been given the one thing he had prayed for all those years earlier?
He couldn't breathe...oh, God. As he fell to the floor the realization hit, the one thing he'd always thought he had wanted since Danijela and his children had died was almost here and he was afraid. He wanted to scream, wanted to console Sam, but all he could do was watch in horror as she begged and pleaded to save his life.

He wanted to scream as first their blows and then the well placed kicks landed, wanted to struggle as they lifted him and tied him to the gurney, but he could do neither. Oh, God, it hurt so bad.

He couldn't breathe, and as the seconds ticked away he could feel his life slipping away with them. Why now? Why now when he was so close to being a father, so close to re-capturing the one thing he had never thought he would reclaim.

He wanted to help Sam, try to calm her, talk her through the steps that she was repeatedly trying and failing to accomplish. He didn't want her blaming herself for his death but he knew if she didn't succeed she would.

And then they were gone, and he was alone, left in the dark to die. Was this how it was going to be then, after all those years of waiting? All the years he had chosen not to live his life now, when he was so close to starting over, no, he wasn't going without a fight.

He screamed at his body to do something, anything, and miraculously it did, granted it was only a twitch, but it was something. He pulled at the restraints, the movements not even visible, but he couldn't give up, he wouldn't. Then, the gurney moved, and it only made him more determined.

When he heard the gunshots, he practically threw himself against the restraints, oh, God, no...let her be safe, let them be safe. If he lost them both, not again...he fought to keep the tears back, channeling the feelings into his efforts to free himself before they sucked him back toward the grief that had consumed him for so many years after Danijela and the children's deaths.

He'd never know what drew his eyes to the window at that moment, but as he saw Abby he re-found the hope that for a moment had begun to slip away from him. She was safe, the baby was safe...oh, God, no.

He couldn't miss seeing the bloody hand-print she left on the glass, anymore then he change that he was forced to lie there and watch helplessly as she slid to the ground

No! The scream was a mental one, and he threw himself against the side of the gurney as he made it. Had it not been blocked by the intubation tube in his throat he was sure that it was one that would have been heard though-out the hospital. Someone had to help her, help them, he couldn't lose them both, he couldn't lose a second family.
ER/Luka Kovac 052.Indescribable
Title: Firstborn
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka and Jasna Kovac
Prompt: Indescribable
Word Count: 450
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: None to speak of
Summary: Luka meets his newborn daughter for the first time.

He had paced the hall for hours it seemed when what he had wanted most was to be inside at his wife's side. When he was sure he was going to go through the door despite the doctor's orders to the contrary he had heard it, the cries that signaled the newborn's arrival and suddenly nothing else mattered anymore. He rushed to the double doors, unable to control his impatience any longer, he was a father.

"Mr. Kovac." The nurse pushed the door open before he could do it himself and smiled at the young father's eagerness. "Congratulations, you have a daughter, would you like to see her?"

Luka shook his head as the answering grin temporarily made words impossible. "Danijela, my wife, is she alright?"

"She's fine, they're finishing up with her and will be moving her to recovery in a few minutes, your daughter is this way, and she's perfect." She led him down the hall as she spoke, motioning him into the small nursery.

"My daughter?" There was a hint of worry as his eyes first landed on the newborn, only to find a doctor seemingly bagging her. Isn't she breathing?" He was at her side before they could hold him back, the hint now succumbing to panic as his mind raced through all the worst case scenarios he had studied to date.

"Luka, you need to calm down, for your daughter and your wife, can you do that?" The man glanced over to the young med student only long enough to see his nod of acknowledgment before returning to his small patient. "She's just forgetting to breathe, so we're just helping her until she figures out what she's supposed to do."

"She'll be alright?" He extended his hand to touch his daughter but hesitated just shy of actually touching her with the question.

"Luka, she'll be fine, it happens all the time, you know that." The man paused long enough to scoop the small girl into his arms before turning to present her, bag and all, to her father. "Take her, you can do this just as easily as I can."

For a brief instant disbelief flooded the young father's face but as her looked down at his firstborn child any remaining hesitation fled. As he cradled her into the crook of his arm it was as if she were made to fit exactly there. The feelings that were sweeping through him were indescribable.

"Jasna." He whispered her name softly before he began the counts that would mark the tempo of his squeezing of the bag. "She's beautiful." He stated to no one in particular, and there was no doubt by anyone there that she was.
Melancholy...1991 Croatia

Laying on his side in the medical tent Luka found himself wishing for quiet, it was never quiet here. It had only been three days since he'd been found on the side of the road near death, three days since he had been forced back into a life that he had no desire to be in. He spent most of his time sleeping but those increasing hours awake were inevitably being filled not just with memories, but with the sounds of families living a life he would never again know.

Leaning over the edge of the cot he succumbed to an intense barrage of coughing as his lungs battled against the pneumonia that infested them. Conditions here were harsh, supplies limited and he still clung to the hope that death would find him.

"You're awake." His coughing had attracted one of the nurses to his side and she braced her hand against his thin back, supporting him as it ran it's course.

"Are you hungry? I have some broth and tea for you." When she received little more than an icy stare in response the woman drew back.

"Govorite li engleski?" She waited a moment more, studying his face until he laid back down and turned his back to her. "Have it your own way. She returned to her own language before moving on to the man in the next bed.

In truth Luka did speak English, and the quiet rumble of his stomach told him that it would have welcomed the broth and tea she'd been offering, but he didn't want comfort from them, not yet. He had made his peace with God, he was ready to join his family, he didn't ask them to save him. It was his life. What right did they have to bring him here, to force him to accept care when what he really wanted was death?

Yet another round of coughing silenced his thoughts and left him exhausted. All he wanted now was sleep, and the death they denied him, laying back down he turned once more on his side. Pulling the thin blanket over his shoulder he closed his eyes and willed his mind to silence the voices in the tent. There was no guarantee that his sleep would not bring another nightmare, but he clung to the hope that it could just as easily bring a fonder memory, one in which he might, if only for a moment, be reunited with Danijela and his children, and it was that thought on whose wings he was carried off to sleep.

Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 433

Cross-posted to Talking Muses and 100Moods
dr_luka_kovac: (Young smiles)
( Aug. 25th, 2006 11:24 am)
ER/Luka Kovac 082.Romantic
Title: Our Love
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka and Danijela Kovac
Prompt: Romantic
Word Count: 481
Rating: light R
Warnings/Spoilers: Sexual Situation
Summary: Luka and Danijela find some time alone

"Luka, it's time to wake up." Danijela sat on the side of the bed before leaning over her sleeping husband so she could whisper in his ear. "Luka." A smile spread across her face when he did little more than moan and press his face deeper into his pillow.

"Oh, you're going to play this game are you?" Her smile grew wider before she blew lightly into his ear. "Luka." She whispered his name softly so as not to wake their two small children who slept not far away, before running her finger along his jawline.

"We could play something else..." Her tone became sing-song as she traced the bone. "Luka..."

When her actions finally prompted him to crack an eye open she laughed lightly. "Good evening, sleepyhead." With him now awake she lay alongside him, and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I have supper waiting for you on the stove, but, it's still early and the children are already asleep." She kissed his neck with the invitation. Moments that the two found together were too few and far between to pass up on.

A still drowsy smile spread across his face as he rolled onto his back, then drew her on top of him before kissing her. "Evenin', I think that sounds like a wonderful idea." His long fingers threaded naturally into her curls as he whispered to her.

"Did you have something in mind?" His smile brought his accompanying dimples with it as he teased his wife for more details and in return watched the blush he knew would follow tint her face. "You're so beautiful."

Instead of answering Danijela glanced toward the doorway that separated the two of them from their two small children, when she was sure that she heard no sound she returned her eyes to Luka. He was the only man she had ever known, her first love. Instead of speaking, she lowered her eyes as a concession to the modesty she was used to, and slipped out of her sweater, revealing her nakedness beneath. Then, as she lifted her eyes to his for his reaction, she smiled.

"I love you so much." His hands abandoned her dark locks for the newly revealed pale skin as he took hold of her and pulled her close so that he could kiss her again. "So much."

He rolled her onto her side, letting his fingers explore her skin until they brought goosebunps up on it and forced little mews from her. Only then did he coax her from the rest of her clothes as he let her do the same from him...dinner would have to wait.

Cross-posted in 100 Moods
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Aug. 16th, 2006 10:38 pm)
Title: Once Upon a Time
Fandom: ER
Characters: The Kovac Family
Prompt: Curious
Word Count: 232
Rating: G
Warnings/Spoilers: Possible tissue warning

"Mama...isn't it time for Tata to wake up yet?" For no less than the tenth time since she'd eaten lunch the small girl was tailing her mother with the question.

"Jasna, baby, you know Tata has to work tonight, he needs to sleep, now go play with Marko while I finish the washing." Danijela looked down at her young daughter as she spoke, her hands still in the basin of water that sat next to the sink. What she wouldn't give for running water again, which only served to remind her that she needed to remind Luka that they would need water again before he went to the hospital.

"But, Mama," The fact that her daughter's voice had settled into a pleading whine became enough of a distraction that she failed to see her young son crawl out of her line of sight.

"Tata...Tata," Marko had himself picked up on his sister's need for their father's attention and decided to take matters into his own small hands. Not yet walking, he crawled around the divider that separated the small kitchen from the front room and over to the couch where Luka slept. Pulling himself up on his feet he leaned his face in close to his sleeping fathers.

"Tata, up?" At the question he lifted the man's visible eyelid open as his own came so close that their eyelashes very nearly touched.
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 25th, 2006 08:43 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 046 Grateful
Title: Faith
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Grateful
Word Count: 557
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Contains Spoilers to the Bishop Stewart arc.
Summary: Luka finds his thoughts turning to a friend gone too soon.

As the mass ended Luka rose and made his way to the small alcove to light candles for his family. The very fact that he was here said much for how far he had come and to the man who had made it all possible. With the Bishop entering his thoughts Luka found himself lighting a candle for him as well. How did he begin to thank the man for giving him back his faith?

As he knelt in prayer before the flickering candles it was hard for him not to think of all the years he'd been without his faith. He'd missed the comfort he found within it. When Danijela and the children had been killed he'd needed someone to blame and God had seemed a natural choice. All of his life he had believed in God's protection yet at the time he was needed most he had failed them. It hadn't been easy walking away from the Church. For as long as he could remember the Church had held an important place in his life, in his parent's lives, in Danijela's. Maybe that was why it was so easy to lay blame there when he'd needed someone to take it.

Even as he knew he'd needed someone to accept blame, he knew too that there were too many other memories to be found within the walls of the church. It was hard enough forcing himself to get up and go through each day, knowing they were gone, how could he possibly go back to the one place that meant so much to Danijela? He'd tried once after the funerals, thought that he might find comfort in the familiar service but all he'd found was more pain.

With the Church out of his life he'd felt lost, and maybe in a way that's what he felt he deserved. His parents had begged him to return home, begged him to return to the comfort he would find within the Church, and instead he had fled.

For 8 years he had been running away and it had taken a dying Bishop to finally make him stop. He hadn't made it easy for the man, he'd used all the tricks that he'd developed over the years but the man had refused to give up, and in the end he had allowed him in.

How do you begin to express how grateful you are to someone who is gone before you can tell them? There had been so many things he had wanted to say to the Bishop, but time was not on their side. In a way he wondered if that hadn't been part of the man's plan, for with him gone he'd found himself returning to the man's Church and within those walls he'd finally begun to find some of the peace he'd been missing during the years he'd been away.

He'd found more of course, for within the walls of the Church he'd found that he felt closer to Danijela, Jasna, and Marko then he had at any time since they were gone. Amidst these flickering candles he had found he could reconnect with all that he'd lost and he would always be grateful to the Bishop for guiding him back to that which he had walked away from all those years before.
dr_luka_kovac: (smirking)
( Jun. 20th, 2006 11:01 am)
ER/Luka Kovac 096 Touched
Title: The Gift
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Touched
Word Count: 362
Rating: G
Warnings/Spoilers: Tissue Warning
Summary: Luka receives an unexpected gift from his Father.

The package had come in the morning mail, wrapped in brown paper, it's front covered with several stamps. Luka's brow had creased as he removed it from the box and turned it over in his palm, he wasn't expecting anything from his father, yet the handwriting was unmistakable. As he walked back to his apartment Luka tucked the box under his arm as he flipped through the rest of his mail, for those moments his puzzlement set aside. Once inside he dropped the stack of unopened bills and other routine mail on the table, the little box once more at the forefront of his attention.

"What did you do Tata?" He voiced the question aloud as he settled on the couch and looked over the package again. There was little weight to it, and the size and shape meant it wasn't a book or magazine his father had thought he should have. He'd spoken with the man only two days earlier and no mention had been made of his sending anything, yet here it was. His curiosity fully roused he began to open it.

The wrapping was nothing special, neither was the box under the paper, as he lifted the flap the secret was concealed still more by the tissue. His curiosity would have to wait a few moments more to be appeased. As he pulled the thin paper away all that remained was a single paper package slightly smaller then the palm of his hand. Lifting it from the box he found it held almost no weight, he had no idea what he would find as he pulled the final barrier away.

"Oh, Tata." His mouth dropped open and tears immediately sprung to his eyes as the secret was finally revealed. The single blue knitted baby sock was something he had never expected and he lifted it to his nose as if it had somehow managed to retain the scent of the small boy who had once worn it.

"Where did you find this?" The question was asked aloud even as he knew no answer would come from it and he immediately rose to reach for the phone. He had to know.
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 18th, 2006 11:08 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 035 Enraged
Title: In an Instant
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac, Abby Lockhart
Prompt: Enraged
Word Count: 326
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Violence
Summary: Luka loses control.

I wish I could say that I remembered everything that had happened that night, but I don't. We were walking on the Lakefront, Abby and I, talking about nothing, laughing, and then, I felt this blow to the back of my head and I fell. I must have lost consciousness, Abby says I did, I just know I was on the ground and a man was attacking Abby.

I don't know that I even thought about any risk to myself at that point, all I saw was Abby in danger and the potential that she might be killed. I guess I lost it, not guess, I know I lost it. I couldn't think about anything but stopping him, at any cost. I pulled him off of her and we started to fight and then.

How do I describe what was going through my head? I don't know why, but in that instant I remember thinking of how I hadn't been able to save my family, and I knew I had to do whatever it took to save Abby. I got so angry at him, how dare he put her life at risk...and when I slammed his head into the pavement, the sound.

I couldn't stop myself, over and over, his blood was everywhere, but as long as he was alive she was in danger. I could hear her telling me to stop but I couldn't, not while he could still hurt her. Then it was over, the rage gone as suddenly as it had taken over me.

Someone had called an ambulance, maybe it was Abby, his condition wasn't good, I had shattered his skull, but Abby was safe. I was in shock by then, I know I wasn't thinking straight, I guess I never had been, but, to know he was dying and that I was the one who was responsible.

How many more lives will be lost to my hands?
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 18th, 2006 06:17 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 017 Cold
Title: It's Not Easy Saying Good-Bye
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac, Jasna Kovac
Prompt: Cold
Word Count: 219
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Possible tissue alert
Summary: Luka says good-bye.

Nothing could have prepared him for this moment.

It seemed only fitting that it should be snowing, that the air held such a bite that his tears would freeze on his cheeks. Standing next to the coffins that held his young wife and their two small children, he barely felt the cold, what did it matter? His heart had already turned to ice.

Except for the priest he was alone with his family, the grief his alone to bear. He knew he should have allowed Danijela's family to come, knew his own parents would have wanted to be with him, but the risk was too great. Even now he could hear shells falling, bullets cracking the silence and he wished he could call one to claim him.

The thought of his family being lowered into the frozen ground was almost unimaginable, why did it have to be them? He wanted to stop them, wanted to take them someplace warm even as he knew they were beyond feeling cold.

He knew the priest was speaking to him but the words made no sense, and then it was over. Without thinking he moved toward the coffins, and in the next moment he collapsed over the smallest of them. How was he going to live without them?

And still the snow fell.
dr_luka_kovac: (Young smiles)
( Jun. 18th, 2006 05:01 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 018 Content
Title: Baby Girl
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac, Jasna Kovac
Prompt: Content
Word Count: 265
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Possible tissue alert
Summary: Luka spends some quiet time with his newborn daughter.

How is it possible that someone who can't even hold her own head up can hold me in such awe? Jasna, my baby girl, you've been here less then 72 hours and already I can't imagine how I would survive without you.

You're so tiny and as I hold you cradled in my arms I feel a peace, a contentment, that I don't know that I've ever felt before. I think I could stare at you for hours. With your black hair and equally dark eyes you are a miniature version of your mama and your beauty holds me spellbound. I wonder how much of her will show in your personality as you grow, and then I know it doesn't matter for whoever you are, I will love you with all my heart.

Why did you have to smile? I can feel my heart soar to yours and in these moments there is nothing more important then you. It's hard for me to remember how frightened I was of being a father even as much as I wanted it to happen. There is so much for your mama and I to teach you and I can't help feeling frightened that we might somehow get something wrong. Those worries don't linger though and as your fingers grasp one of mine I realize we'll do fine.

I wish I could sit here with you all night, but already sleep is calling you back to it and I know we'll have more times like these to share. Sleep well my angel, your Tata will be watching over you.
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 14th, 2006 11:38 am)
ER/Luka Kovac 058. Lethargic
Title: The Morning After
Fandom: ER
Character: Luka Kovac, Erin Harper
Prompt: Lethargic
Word Count: 478
Rating: G
Warnings or Spoilers: Spoilers to "Hindsight"
Summary: Sometimes mornings come too soon.

He hadn't needed Kerry's call, hadn't needed to wake to find Erin half dressed and not remember how she had come to be there. God, he was tired. No, not just tired, hung-over, all he wanted he wanted to do was sleep. Laying there with his eyes closed he could easily have returned to where he been before Kerry's call, just a few minutes was all it would take.

"Luka, you need to get up." Erin's voice broke into the darkness and called him back toward consciousness.

"I'm awake. He cracked and eye open with a sigh and tried to remember how they had come to be at the place they were.

"Do you want me to put some coffee on?" The woman had buttoned her blouse and was moving to the doorway as she spoke.

"Yeah, sure." He rubbed at his eyes and wondered how he was possibly supposed to work when it was all he could to to manage the energy for that small feat.

"You're not going back to sleep if I leave you alone?" Her uncertainty about doing just that was clear in her words.

"No, not going to sleep." Even as he spoke the words he was sure he could turn them into a lie with very little effort.

"Luka...you need to get up off that bed and into the shower." Erin found herself smiling as she watched the man battle with himself over staying awake.

"I'm going, I'm going..." His words were quiet, with no conviction surfacing in them at all.

"Luka, I don't believe you, come on..up." The med student moved over to the bed in hopes of motivating the doctor into action.

"Alright, alright." Exasperation surfaced as Luka eyed the young woman and her approach and despite his wanting to do otherwise he forced himself to sit, only to immediately regret the action as his head protested the action. "Bog." He uttered the curse as his hand went to his forehead.

"That bad?" Erin found herself smiling despite herself. The man looked miserable and he no doubt felt worse. "I'll go find some aspirin and get the coffee on, you get in the shower, it'll help." She offered a hand in case he was ready to take it.

"Yea, sure it will." His eyes narrowed at her expression before he reluctantly took her hand and actually rose from the bed. "I was not supposed to be working today."

"I know, but now you are, take your shower, the coffee will be ready when you're done." Apparently further conversation was not going to happen and Erin found herself grinning as Luka released her hand and groped his way to the bathroom. Only when she heard the sound of the water coming on did she finally leave the room, he was definitely going to need coffee, lots of coffee.
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 12th, 2006 08:48 am)
ER/Luka Kovac 031. Ecstatic
Title: The Call
Fandom: ER
Character: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Ecstatic
Word Count: 294
Rating: G
Warnings or Spoilers: None to speak of
Summary: Luka shares some surprising news with his father.

He was going to be a father again.

The shock of the news had begun to fade and with it Luka found himself being filled with a feeling he had never thought he would never know again.

He was going to be a father again.

It had never even entered his mind that Abby might be pregnant. Granted they had slept together but, it wasn't the first time and they had used precautions, hadn't they? He was finding it hard to get his mind to settle on anything specific with the exception of that one single fact.

He was going to be a father again.

When he had lost Jasna and Marko he had never thought he would know that joy again, a smile filled his face before he could stop it. The sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, could he have ever believed he would look forward to that again? But he was.

It was true that he and Abby would have to work through how they would handle the parenting, but he had to cling to the hope that she'd let him be part of the child's life, even if they weren't a couple.

He was going to be a father again. He had to call his own father, the man deserved to know that he would once more have the chance to be a grandfather. He reached for his cell phone even as the realization was made, only to find himself having to make three tries at dialing the number before he succeeded. As he listened to the ringing on the other end he found himself unable to stop the smile that again filled his face, and then it was time.

"Tata...it's Luka, I have something I need to tell you."
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 11th, 2006 06:36 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 086. Sinful
Title: What Right?
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Sinful
Word Count: 554
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers:none to speak of
Summary: Luka's wicked ways begin to catch up with him.

The scent of her perfume lingered and with it Luka felt the bile rise...what had he done, worse yet, what was he becoming? As he leaned against the door it dawned on him...he hadn't even asked her name. Clamping a hand over his mouth he hurried to the bathroom, then dropped to his knees just in time to grab the sides of the bowl. If only he could rid himself of the guilt as easily as he emptied his stomach of everything else.

It was all falling apart, but maybe that was the point. What right did he have to be happy? What right did he have to be safe and secure? As his stomach voided of what little it had held the dry heaves began and he found himself almost laying over the bowl as they threatened to tear his insides apart.

Ten years had passed since his world had shattered the first time...ten years since everything that had meant anything to him had been ripped away. What right did he have to happiness? What right did he have to think he deserved to have anyone in his life that cared about him? Maybe tonight was his reality...maybe all he deserved was someone who would pretend to care for him if he paid her enough money. He tightened his hold on the bowl so that his knuckles whitened as he held on to it.

After several more minutes he forced himself to his feet, then flushed away the evidence of his failure. All those years he'd pretended he was moving on...pretended he had overcome the loss of Danijela and the children. All the years he had thought that distancing himself from the daily realities of his past would make him forget. All of it was a lie. He turned on the faucet only to lean over the sink as it filled.

What right did he had to think he deserved a life when they were denied theirs? If only he wasn't such a coward. If only he had the strength to end his life the way theirs had been ended. If only he had the courage to put the misery that had become his life to rest forever. No! He had to remind himself that suicide wasn't even an escape he was allowed. If he was to ever hope to rejoin Danijela and the children his death could not come by his own hand. He splashed water on his face in an attempt to quell the rising queasiness.

Maybe this was his punishment. Ten years he had worked to rebuild a life, to recreate himself and make him other then husband to Danijela and father to Jasna and Marko. Ten years he had worked to find a way to share their memories with thoughts of a future without them in it, only to come to the realization that he didn't deserve one that involved any form of happiness. Carol...Abby...his position...he didn't deserve any of it.

He stood up and looked at the stranger in the mirror with the realization, when the words came they came with the quiet tone of acceptance. "How much more do I have to give up before you are satisfied?"
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 11th, 2006 06:09 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 025. Depressed
Title: Too Much
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Depressed
Word Count: 1016
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Contains spoilers to "A Little Help from my Friends"
Summary: Sometimes life just seems to be more then you can handle alone.

Why did he have to send him home? Why couldn't Romano at least have allowed him to lose himself in his work, to lose himself in the one thing that was keeping him from losing himself completely? As he walked slowly to his car he couldn't free himself of the questions. Didn't he realize how dangerous it was for him to be alone with the thoughts that were only quieted with work? No...how could he know, how could any of them know just how close to the edge he really was?

As he climbed into the car and brought the engine to life he could feel the thoughts surge with the power of it. He was the one responsible for almost killing Erin. He was to blame for the father and son who had almost been killed because of his recklessness. Why was he always the one to walk away unscathed? Danijela...the children...Rick... Erin, all of them dead, or dying, or worse, while he remained untouched.

Where was he going? What did it matter? Did anyone care? If he were to leave and never come back...if he were to drive off a bridge and sink to the bottom of the Lake, would anyone notice he was gone? No...not like this...his mind screamed for the thoughts to leave him...why couldn't he get them to stop?

His route had somehow brought him to the Bishop's Church, and even as he saw it he knew he wouldn't stop, knew he couldn't enter. How could he admit that he had thrown away the trust the Bishop had placed in him? How could he admit that he had allowed the man to die thinking that in his last moments he had released him from the burdens he had carried for so many years, when in truth they had remained and if anything only grown stronger?

What did he have now? Was there anyone in his life who would care if he was gone? He forced the thoughts to retreat to a dark corner of his mind, but even then he could feel them taunting him. He had to get the car home before someone else was hurt, or killed by his hand. Home, what a laugh. He'd thought he could have that again, he had found the apartment, filled it with all the things he had thought would make it one, all the while knowing that the most important thing it needed he would never likely have again.

Pulling the car into his parking space he shut the engine off and climbed out before moving to the safety of the building. Safety...was he safe anywhere? He could feel it all coming again...the fear...the panic...he needed to be working. Why couldn't anyone see that? He wasn't safe here...he wasn't safe when he was alone.

As he turned the key in the lock and forced the door open he could feel it building, rising up inside him so tightly he was sure it would strangle him. He made his way to the cabinet and pulled the bottle of vodka out, seeking to numb it the only way he knew how. Without even taking time to pour it into a glass he brought it to his lips...needing the burn as it slid down his throat to distract him.

He had to escape...had to find a way to get away from the endless reminders of the failure he had become. As he took another swallow his eyes settled on the small prescription bottle on the shelf. Was this the way? In the next moment he had it in his hand...was this his means of escape?

Who would care? He ran his fingers over the bottle before carrying it to the table, then took a long swallow of the vodka before setting both down on it's surface. How long would it be before anyone noticed? He uncapped the pills and dumped the contents on the table, arranging them into rows as he contemplated them. How many to numb? How many to forget? How many to stop the thoughts? How many to put an end to it all? Maybe this was the solution he had been looking for. He reached for the vodka and took another long drink. He could escape it all, but for one thing...in that escape he would forever lose the chance to be reunited with Danijela. In that escape he would forever lose the chance to hold Jasna and Marko in his arms again.

He could almost pretend the anguished groan came from someone else as it broke at the thoughts. Why couldn't he escape this hell even with death? His hell...his punishment for living...no, not living, he hadn't lived since that day in Vukovar when he had lost them all. Surviving, that was all he had done since that day, and even now that was threatened.

He couldn't do this alone..not today...not anymore. But who could he turn to that would understand? Who could he turn to that would accept him with all he had become? Who would overlook the faults, the failures, the grief? Who would be there to offer him the hold that could keep him from taking that final step?

In that instant he knew and as he rose and reached for the phone the tears from the realization had already begun to fall. He dialed the number from memory, his hand shaking so badly he was sure he would drop the phone. The ache in his chest threatened to rip him apart and as the voice broke into his thoughts as it was answered. The grief slamming into him with enough force that he sank to the floor. It was all he could do to keep the receiver to his ear as the sobs tore into him and the voice on the other end responded as he had known it would, offering the comfort even before he found the words to ask for it or explain. When he finally found his own voice his words were heavy with the pain he was powerless to hide. "Tata..." He slid into his native tongue without thought, responding on the deepest levels to the reassurances that filled his ear. "Tata...I need you."
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 11th, 2006 05:44 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 050. Hopeful
Title: We Never Talk
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Hopeful
Word Count: 861
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: none to speak of
Summary: Luka tries to come to terms with the weaknesses in the relationship he has with Sam and finds himself hopeful.

We never talk...that's what you said to the shrink, maybe it's true, maybe it's not. I do think you were right when you said we can talk about other people easier then we can talk about ourselves. Lying here, watching you sleep, I find myself thinking about what I should say, but what I can't. I think about the times when I've almost started to say something about my past only to stop myself before I could begin. I think of how much we pretend that things are normal between us, for Alex, for others and how much we wish it were true when we know it's not. It's easy to accept our failures in the dark.

Only yesterday I caught myself in a moment of weakness and almost gave in to it. You were sorting through some baby pictures of Alex and I found myself wishing I had just one of Marko to share with you. I wanted to show you my one of Jasna, her picture is one she shares with Danijela, a black and white that's creased and worn from so many years of handling, and I knew that would only upset you so I didn't. For Marko I could not even do that and instead I said nothing. There was a time when I had begun to open up about my past, with Carol, I'd shared small stories of my childhood, of times on my grandparent's farm, of the day when everything was changed forever. I tried again with the Bishop when he heard my confession, but it grew too hard and so I stopped, making him the last to know the full story.

I think I don't talk about my past because so much has happened that I don't want to relive. I can't tell you how badly I want to be a father again, to know that joy of holding something that is a part of you and the woman you love in your arms. Something...I know they aren't things, they're miracles, gifts from God, I believe that now more then I ever did before, I don't know, maybe because I lost mine and you still have yours with you. I want to tell you about my babies, about Jasna, her birth, what she loved, what she hated. With Marko it's different, I told Carol once I could raise an image of him, his hands and face covered in chocolate ice cream, simply by closing my eyes but not anymore. Now, more often then not what I see is his small hand reaching for help from under the debris that stole his life. I see what he looked like once I had lifted the sides of the crib and cleared all of the plaster away, how he looked as I held him in my arms and my tears left tracks in the dirt that coated his face. It's harder for me to draw memories of his life and far too easy to call forth those of his death. It's worse to know that had they survived Jasna would now be the age her mother was when she gave birth and Marko would be nearly a man himself and that neither were given the chance to live those lives. There won't be any more sleep for me tonight and rather then risk waking you I'd better get up, if only I could put it all aside as easy as you seem to do.

Walking the darkened apartment I find my thoughts scattered, I should have expected this, but how could I have known we would have to revisit my past? Why should those losses affect where we are now? I want to believe I'm happy. I try to give you all you want, all you and Alex need, is there something I'm missing? I enjoy being with you, with Alex, I thought it was the same for both of you, where did we go wrong? There are so many questions now that we never thought to ask? I don't know, maybe they were there all along and we just didn't want, or maybe we were just too afraid to ask them.

I'm back where I started and I find myself standing in the open doorway watching you sleep wondering if you want us to stay together. A part of me will always love Danijela and my children, I'll always mourn their loss, that will never change no matter how much time passes. I can tell you that I can love you despite that, I can love Alex and we can be a family and you have to believe that if we're going to succeed. In time I hope I'll be able to share that part of my life with you, you'll have to be patient, but,as long as you're willing to work at this so am I...

"Luka? You coming back to bed?" Sam's soft voice broke the silence of the darkened room.


And I know I am though it's still it's still true, we never talk...
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 11th, 2006 05:25 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 093 Sympathetic
Title: The Journey
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Sympathetic
Word Count: 1016
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: none to speak of
Summary: Luka wonders how best to help Carter deal with the death of his son while finding too many similarities in how he faced his own losses.

It had been a long day. As he unlocked the door of his apartment Luka felt the urge to do nothing more then head to his bed and lose himself to sleep, if only it was that easy. So much was happening, some good, some not, some to him and some to others. How long had it been since he'd worried about what was happening to others in more then a cursory way?

He loosened his tie and went to the refrigerator for a beer, then took a long swallow before going any further. He was worried about Carter. He, better then most knew what thoughts were going through the man's head, the sense of loss, the guilt, the despair. He'd shared 5 years with Jasna, 18 months with Marko, he had smiles to remember, first steps, the sound of their laughter, and yes, even their tears. He knew the smells that would always stir memories, and he had images of them that would forever remain in his heart and mind. Carter had none of that, all he had was the sense of loss and the images of the son that would never see all the world had to offer. What could he say to him that might make his journey easier then his own had been? 217

The question lingered as he walked into the livingroom and sank down into the couch. He had made it known that he would be there for him, but would John accept his offer? When he had been in the dark place that Carter now lived he had refused the comfort that those around him had tried to offer. He had wrapped himself in his grief and misery and he had used it as a means of punishing himself for the very thing that had been beyond his control. He hadn't wanted to hear their expressions of sympathy and so he had withdrawn, using work as his escape until it was all he had left. He took another pull on the bottle before lowering it.

The behaviors he had thought would take the pain away were the same ones he saw in John now, and all too well he knew they would change nothing. How many days had he gone without sleep so that he wouldn't have to dream? When that time finally came, when his body was too exhausted for him to pretend not to need sleep, he too had used alcohol in hopes that the dreams could be kept at bay. It had failed for him, and it would fail for Carter, try as they might the memories would still come. He had hated those nightmares, the cries for him to come to their rescue that he knew would go unanswered. John's nightmares would be different, but they would still come and they would haunt him until he found a way to make peace with himself.

Drawing his lower lip between his teeth Luka stared at the phone on the table beside him, he should call him, offer him the company he most likely would refuse. The grief was like a poison, untreated it would eat you alive, leaving behind a shell that did little more then exist. He had worn that shell for so many years that he'd all but forgotten the man he had once been. When had it begun to crack? When had he finally realized that he had once more begun to welcome the new day?

It had come slowly, he knew that, and it had come again in the guise of what he knew was his weakness. Carol's twins, Kate and Tess, they had been the ones who had found a way into the shell he'd hidden behind, and with them had been Carol. It had been hard at first, everything they did seemed to stir long dormant memories. Where before he had dreaded them, the more he was with the girls the more he welcomed them. He had tried not to see the similarities at first, wanted to believe that what he'd shared with Danijela would never be possible again, but he was wrong. If only he knew how to make John see that too.

He could only imagine what Kem was going through, the guilt she was carrying, but how could he convince John that it wasn't a time for them to be apart? Their strength was in each other, something he'd never had. It wasn't hard to imagine what they were going through, yes, they blamed themselves, but, they likely blamed each other as well. How could he make them understand that within them they held the one thing that would sustain them through the ordeal that was now their life? What he wouldn't have given to be able to say that. He raised the bottle to his lips and took a long, slow swallow. How different would things have been if Danijela had survived? If he had been able to share his grief with her instead of going through it alone...he could only imagine how different things would have been.

He would have to warn Carter that there was the risk of the grief returning, that he might think he was past it only to find it lurking in the shadows ready to pounce when he least expected it. That too had been one of the lessons he had learned, one of those he knew he could share. There would come a time though when he would realize that he'd gone without thinking of his loss, it might be only minutes at first, then gradually he might go an hour. He'd never believed he would go days without thinking about his family, but in time he had, and where once he had felt guilt at that, he now knew it was simply part of the healing. Danijela, Jasna, and Marko would always be part of him, just as John and Kem's son would be part of them, but he didn't have to be someone they remembered with sadness. It had taken so many years for him to reach that realization, but he had, and once that had happened he knew he was ready to move on.

Maybe that was what made things with Sam feel so different then it had with any of the others. Until her he had always felt that he was somehow betraying Danijela by being with another woman, but he knew now that he'd been wrong. Danijela would always hold a place in his heart, as would Jasna and Marko, and no one would ever replace them. Sam and Alex had stirred in him something he had thought he'd never experience again and he knew now that he was ready to welcome it instead of running from it as he might have only months before. His life had not ended with the death's of his wife and children despite the years he had told himself it had. Kem and John would discover the same in time. He could only hope that they would draw on each other's strengths as they struggled through the dark times ahead of them. He had made the journey alone because he'd had no choice, such was not the case for them, their love was their light, and together they would find their way through the pain and to the happiness that lay on the other side.
dr_luka_kovac: (Default)
( Jun. 11th, 2006 05:07 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 017. Confused
Title: Alex
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Confused
Word Count: 554
Rating: G
Warnings/Spoilers: spoilers to "Back in the World" within.
Summary: Luka finds himself at a loss for words when it comes to how to talk to Alex about his father.

How can I explain why I did what I did? I see the pain on your face, the hurt and anger in your eyes and I know you think I'm to blame for causing it. What if I had gotten home just five minutes later? Why is it so hard for me to tell you how afraid I was that we could have lost you? Why is it so hard for me to tell you what I'm feeling? I watch you walk away without a word, and I want to throw open my door and run after you. I want to wrap my arms around you and promise to keep you safe, but I can't, not yet.

I have the day to myself and as I wander the empty apartment I can't help but see the reminders of the day before, the missing television and stereo, the other things that mattered more to him then you. I pray you will never know that of course. Even though you heard the words I hope you never understand the meanings behind them. They are only things to us, and I would have given him more had he asked to keep him from taking you from us.

I wish I could explain what the loss of you would have meant to your mother, what it would have meant to me. What the loss of a child means to any parent. Someday I will share with you what it meant to me when I suffered that loss so many years ago. How the loss of my own children left me little more then a hollow shell for far too many of those years. Someday I will explain how I would have given everything to spare your mother knowing those feelings as I did. Someday I will tell you how you and your mother have begun to fill that emptiness with something I thought never to feel again.

It's too soon for you to hear any of this now, to understand any of this, all you have room for is the anger at me for sending your father away and the pain at knowing he left without you. I stand in your room and I wonder how far I would have gone to stop him had he not gone willingly. Then, in that same thought, I know I would have gone as far as necessary because nothing would have allowed me to let him take you from us as long as I drew breath. I hope it will never come to that, but the possibility is there, hiding in the darkness just out of sight.

I know you are too young to understand any of this now, and nothing I can say will undo what you saw. I only wish I could explain how much it hurts to see the anger you feel towards me etched on your face. An anger directed at me when I know I was acting only to protect you. I wish I could explain what it feels like to endure the silence as your feelings simmer inside of you. I can only hope that you will allow your mother to give you the comfort you need, that you will tell her what you can't, or won't tell me. More importantly I hope that in time you will forgive me for doing what I had to do to keep you safe.
dr_luka_kovac: (in thought)
( Jun. 11th, 2006 04:43 pm)
ER/Luka Kovac 003. Angry
Title: The Weight of One Child
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Angry
Word Count: 660
Rating: G
Warnings/Spoilers: spoilers to "May Day" within.
Summary: Luka tries to deal with his anger over the senseless death of a newborn.

Not until the train doors had closed and the car had left the platform did I even realize that it had come and gone. The fog that had held me prisoner since the fetal tones had grown silent was still strong even here away from the hospital. I am trained to help people, to save their lives, I could have saved his if not for his mother, if not for the fear of losing my license. I can feel the weakness in my legs beginning, the rolling of my stomach as I fight the urge to throw-up and I force myself to sit and drop my head into my hands.

How could she just let him die? How could she lie there and listen to his heartbeat grow slower and slower and not let me save him? What kind of monster carries a child for nine months inside of her, feels it growing, feels it moving only to have it come to term so she can let it die?

I think of how it was with Danijela, first with Jasna, then later with Marko, how from the moment she learned she was with child she seemed to glow. I remember nights when I would lay with my head on her stomach and listen to the sound of our babies as they moved inside her, feel them as they turned this way and that. I remember how anxious they seemed to come out and become part of our lives and how much we worried on those days when they were quiet. I remember how excited we were as her due dates grew closer and closer and how we planned for each babies arrival.

God, I wanted to scream at this baby's mother, I wanted to first shake her then hit her, find a way to make her realize what a mistake she was making. Even now I still feel the anger I felt at her, the disgust, and I know it is driven by my own feelings of loss. Even after so many years I can summon those emotions with barely a second thought, she may not understand the loss of her son, but I do, all too well.

I hope she remembers what it was like to deliver her son, the pain that accompanied his birth, the silence instead of the cry that should have announced his arrival. I want her to remember that he was perfect, that he had all ten fingers and all ten toes, that he would have been healthy if not for her selfishness. I hope she remembers how beautiful he was, and that she sees his face in her dreams the way I still see my children in mine.

As I sit here now on the platform and wait for the next train I know images of him will linger with me for days if not weeks. I know too that those thoughts will bring ones of my own children, dreams of them as babies, of times with Danijela, and unavoidably the moments of their deaths. I know I shouldn't let my thoughts travel this path, it's one I've been down too often it seems since I've been spending time with Carol and her daughters. Or had been I should say, with her gone. I can't even go to her to talk about what happened and so I'll keep my silence, my memories and my thoughts to myself as I've done for far too many years.

Increased activity on the platform stirs me into rising and I move back towards the track to wait. Saved by the train, or at least I've been given a reprieve, I know the thoughts will be back, they'll last a few days, maybe a week only to go back into hiding until the next time. If only I could remember, from one time to the next, the power behind the weight of one child.