I killed a man tonight. And while I see death on an almost daily basis, I know this one will haunt me for the rest of my life. This wasn't a death I can write off to fate, or even injuries too severe for those of us treating him to stabilize. The truth is, this death was preventable. Tonight's death came at my hand, and for one single reason. I lost it.
Abby and I had gone out for the evening and instead of taking a cab after dinner, we went walking down by the river. Out of nowhere we were attacked by this mugger and I remember hitting the ground. When I came to, Abby was screaming and I went after him, but, instead of simply stopping him, I laid into him, sending him to the ground. It wasn't enough that I hit him, or that I kept hitting him, I also shattered his skull by repeatedly pounding his head against the pavement. If Abby hadn't stopped me I'd have killed him right there, I'm sure of it, as it was, they ended up taking him to the hospital, but, it was too late, his brain was already mush.
I came to America, to Chicago to find myself and hopefully start a new life, but, now I wonder if that's even possible. Do I want to know the person capable of this? Maybe the bigger question should be, will anyone else here want to have anything to do with me once the word gets out about it? Who knows what it might take to make me snap again. What if it were to happen at work, or worse, to someone I knew? My God, what kind of an animal does this make me?
I look at this City and I think I could disappear into it so easily, but, the truth is, I never could because the one person I most need to escape from is myself. Maybe Niko was right, maybe I am running away. Maybe my not being able to deal with all that happened back home is only going to keep building up in me until I'm left with these unexplainable rages that I can't control. How am I going to be able to live like this? It's not like I can justify my actions, so, what do I do? Run away again? What would that accomplish? Do I find yet another place to bury this as I've tried to bury so many other things in my past that I'm not ready, or not able to face? I don't know how much more of this I can take before it's too much.
As much as I know it's not possible, I still find myself clinging to that thread of hope, and so, I close my eyes and I wish, no I pray for that miracle that will make all of this go away. I pray for that miracle that will give me back those I've lost and the life that we used to have, but, it never does. No matter how often I try, I open my eyes and I'm left instead with the view of the City and all of those hopes that I fear will never be fulfilled.
Muse: Luka Kovac