"Luka, are you awake?" Had it not been for the sound of Danijela's voice, Luka was sure he could have slept for much longer, but as her question roused him, he groaned and cracked an eye open.

"I am now." It took him a moment more to realize that the reason he couldn't feel his arm was because his daughter was laying on it as she slept and a closer look at Danijela revealed that she similarly held their son in her arms.

"What time did the shelling stop?" His voice grew quieter as he attempted to avoid waking either of the children.

"I'm not sure, I fell asleep not long after you did." From where they lay on the floor she reached out to touch his hand, then followed it with a smile as he laced his fingers with hers.

"You're going to have to go out today aren't you?" The fear at what that meant was in her voice even as she tried to hold it back.

"I'm afraid so, the water is almost gone, and I should see what's in the market, maybe we'll luck out and get some cheese." He dropped his eyes to their daughter as she snuggled closer in her sleep.

"Jasna would love you forever, she's been complaining about the fact that all we've had this week is vegetables and bread." As much as she knew that Luka had no control over the hardships the family was suffering, she still found the blame reflecting in her voice.

"And Marko needs some milk. Luka, where are we doing to find any with as bad as things have been this week?" Despite her efforts to maintain her composure the hold began to slip.

"I'll find something, it'll likely be canned, but, if I need to do the water run too I had better get started. I'll do the market queue's first, that way I'll have those covered before they start running out of things." Biting his lip, he eased his pinned arm out from under the sleeping five year old as he finished talking.

"Why don't you see if you can get a little more sleep before they wake up, as rough as things were last night you could use it." After brushing a kiss on Jasna's forehead he moved over to do the same to their infant son Marko.

"You'll be careful?" The moment the words left her mouth she regretted them, not so much for what they were but for the fear that she might be tempting the danger they knew was already too real, to come even closer.

"Danijela, don't start...it'll be all right." After moving over and giving her a lingering kiss he got to his feet, you know I know the risks, I see the results everyday, but I have to go, and it doesn't help to worry about it every time I go out." He hated the harshness that seemed to carry through in his words, and he forced a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes as he finished.

"I'll keep my eyes open, I can't do anymore then that. Okay?" He remained standing over her until he received her nod of acceptance.

"All right, I'd better get going, I love you, kiss the kids for me when they wake up." If she had more to say she would have to save them for later, for as soon as he finished he started for the kitchen to gather up the various containers that would hold their water over the next several days. Already she could feel the tightening in her chest and she knew there it would stay until the moment he came back through the apartment door. Fear was a fact of war, fear was a constant part of her life, of their lives, for each other, for their children, for their future.

When would it all end?

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 653
I used to think...I'd spend the rest of my life alone. After all, I couldn't possibly reclaim the experience of holding my child in my arms, or find anyone who made me feel the joy of just being in their presence the way that Danijela did.

How could I have been so wrong?

When you lose someone to war, or to a violent death it blinds you. You become so obsessed with the act of how they were lost that you lose the ability to see anything beyond that, or at least it was that way with me for a very long time. I can't say exactly what changed, or even why it did, only that it did, and because of that I was given a second chance at living, at loving.

This week marked a turning point in my life, the accomplishment of a goal I thought I would never again experience. Slowly, over the last year Abby and I found our way back to each other, we discovered that the love we had shared was stronger then any differences we might have had in the past, and powerful enough to support the addition of a child. Only one final test remained and that barrier was crossed this week when Abby and I were wed.

I think Danijela would approve.

Muse: Luka Kovac/ER
Words 223
"Kovac, Luka" At the sound of his name Luka made his way through the throng of other soldiers waiting for the Kapetan to make his way through the stack of envelopes in his hand, hoping that the announcement of their name will reward them with some piece of mail from home. Most of those there were within a year or two of his age, just entering manhood, and fulfilling their obligated military service.

"Hvala." He took the envelope with a smile as the scent of his young fiance's perfume drifted off of it, then felt the heat of his creeping blush as he took good-natured ribbing from those near enough to catch the scent as well.

He missed Danijela, they'd had so little time together before it'd been time for him to leave, but, he'd had no choice, he had to go before he started medical school. Moving away from the crowd he found a quiet place to open her letter, a place safe from prying eyes and teasing voices.

"My dearest Luka..." Her words brought a smile to his lips as he read them, if he closed his eyes he could almost hear her voice saying the words aloud...almost. If only they'd had more time. It had been so hard to steal moments together before he left. Not just because of her age, but, because of their fear that her parents might discover the budding relationship, they would tell them of course, but, in their own time.

"I miss you so much, and count the hours until you'll be home again, and I can hold you in my arms." Time, they had thought they'd have more time, but now they had only the letters to tide them over. Letters in which they professed their love for each other, letters in which they shared their dreams for the future. Two years he would have to wait to make her his wife, it seemed a lifetime with her so far away.

"All my love, Danijela" As he finished reading he slid the paper back into it's envelope and tucked it in his pocket. He would never survive if not for her letters, he was sure of it, he could only wonder if it were the same for her...

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 381
When you're young, you believe in miracles, you believe in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you believe in "Happily Ever After," it was that way with Danijela and I when we were married on that bright spring day. I couldn't have imagined anyone more beautiful than she was in her white dress, more innocent than she looked with the veil shielding her face as she walked down the aisle,, her flowers clutched tightly in front of her. We had a lifetime in front of us on that day, and if fairytales were real then this had to be what they looked like. As we traded rings in front of our family and friends we spoke of undying love and loyalty, of embarking on a life together that would carry us to old age and beyond. Why should we think there would be anything less? How could we know it would all go so terribly wrong in only a handful of years?

I'm older now, wiser, I've long since learned the truth about miracles, about pots of gold, about "Happily Ever Afters." For far too many years I let my knowledge of those truths stop me from living, for what was the point if I could never reclaim what I'd once had, the happiness I'd known back when I was still innocent?

It took facing death to make me find the reason to live again, to enable myself to look past the present and to once again live for the future. As I embark on this new journey with Abby and Joe, I'm beginning to wonder if I might find a way too, to once more believe in miracles, and if I can do that, then perhaps I might at long last know a true "Happily Ever After."

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 298
I'm sure many people won't understand this, some may even think of it as old fashioned, but the most romantic thing I have ever done, was really something that both Danijela and I did together. Danijela and I were married young, she was 18 and I was 20, we had known each other for almost two years, and from the moment I saw her I knew she was the woman I would marry.

Both Danijela and I were raised as Catholics, though she was far more strict in the practice of her faith than I was. Where I would go to Mass twice a week, it was not unusual for her to attend daily morning Mass. Initially I think it was because of our faith that we made the decision to abstain from sex until our wedding night, but looking back on it now, I see it as more than that.

I think back now on all of that time we had together before we were married, and all of the opportunities we had to break that vow we had made to each other, but, we both knew it wouldn't happen. I do think that part of it was because we felt that it was a sin in the eyes of God. I also think that we both felt that this was a gift we could give to each other only once, and the idea of taking away the value of it was just something neither of us wanted to do.

Our wedding night is one that will always hold a special place in my heart, a memory that shares space alongside those of the births of all of my children, those few birthdays that we shared together, and those of their deaths.

The memory of Danijela on that night is one I will always cherish, from the sight of her in her wedding dress, to our shared nervousness as we consummated our vows. I can think of nothing more romantic than that.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 333
For the Life of a Child

There are some patients you never forget, it doesn't matter how long you've practiced medicine, how many patients you've seen, they're always there. You may not remember their names but if you close your eyes, the faces are instantly called to mind.

She was one of those, as was her son, and the faces of both haunt me to this day. I remember when she came in, a college student, she was pregnant and had been stabbed. She was determined not to allow us to do a cesarian to deliver her child, and I would have been willing to honor her wishes had not the life of her baby been at risk. Nothing I could say could convince her to change her mind, all that mattered to her was her comfort, her safety, and she was willing to allow her child to die to spare herself any risk.

At first I think I was stunned, I couldn't imagine how anyone could be so selfish as to put their own life above the life of their child, but, she did just that. Even as the baby's vitals began to fail she refused to budge and threats of legal intervention did nothing to change her mind.

We become doctors to save lives, and here we were forced to stand and watch this infant die because his mother wanted to place her own safety above the worth of his life. The delivery of his lifeless body is one of the things that still haunts me, the knowledge that his death was preventable my badge of guilt to wear.

She refused to look at him after he was delivered, she couldn't even honor his memory by giving him that merit of respect, and that to me was her ultimate act of selfishness. I can only hope the memories of those hours leading up to his delivery remain with her as they do with me. Maybe in time she'll understand that she lost more then her son on that day, maybe she'll see that she lost her soul too.

Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 344
How do I begin to describe the feelings that have come together to make this Christmas so different then so many of the ones in the past? I guess I see this year as a new beginning for me, and for Abby, for what we have together, and more importantly for what we'll have to share with Joe as he grows. This was my son's, our son's, first Christmas and I know he's too young to understand what it's about, but that doesn't make it any less important.

Ever since Danijela and our children died I've looked at the holidays with sadness, knowing they bring with them reminders of times that are lost forever. This year though it was different. This year I found myself looking forward to Christmas with a joy I haven't felt in sometime, an anticipation that is hard to explain. Everything about the holiday will be new to Joe, from the decorations, to the wonder of our lighted tree. He'll have his first meeting with Santa Claus, and experience the thrill of unwrapping presents, though for him I know it'll be more the playing with the bows once we've opened them for him.

I can't begin to offer enough thanks for the early gift that brought Joe to us, or for the life that Abby and I are embarking upon. Both are additions to my life that only a year ago I would have thought impossible to imagine. I can never offer enough thanks for the joyous blessings that have come my way this Christmas Season, so instead I will simply say that I hope each of you too find all the happiness and contentment that has found it's way to me.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all.

Muse:Luka Kovac
"Breathe, baby...breathe for Tata." Even as he tried to coax one more breath from his daughter he knew his efforts were futile, she was gone, like her mother and her brother before her...they were all gone. He held his eldest in his arms, burying his face in her sweater as his grief overtook him.

It took several minutes before he could let her go and then it was only so he could lift her up and place her in her mothers arms. As if somehow in death she could offer the protection they couldn't give her in life.

He was exhausted, the hours he'd spent struggling to save his young daughter's life had taken their toll, but he couldn't yet rest, not while Marko was separated from them. Forcing himself to his feet he climbed over the piles of rubble that had been their home, until he saw the railings of his young son's crib. The crib that had become the toddler's tomb.

Dropping to his knees he touched the boy's fingers, the only part of him that was visible. How long had he held out hope that someone might see him and come to his rescue? Carefully he began lifting the debris off of him, as if he moved too suddenly it might somehow cause him more pain then he had already felt.

"Marko..." He whispered the small boy's name as he finally freed his bruised body.

"I'm so sorry." As he picked him up he cradled him to his chest, unable to hold back his tears any longer.

"Such a brave boy..." He whispered the words to him as he stood, then grew silent as he carried him over and laid him in his mother's arms, next to his sister.

How could he leave them here? Even as he asked the question of himself he knew he couldn't and it seemed only right that he take his place beside them. Maybe, fate would intervene, realize it's mistake and come to claim him too. As he stretched out alongside them and wrapped his arms around Danijela and his children he knew how much that was to ask for, but he had to try...he had to try...

Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 370

Had it really been that many years?. Standing at the graveside now, it was hard to believe so many years had passed since they had been laid to rest. He bowed his head, letting the thick shock of dark bangs fall into his eyes as he whispered a prayer for those long gone. As he finished he stepped forward, touching each name as if he could touch those who rested beneath the stones with the contact.

Danijela Kovac...Beloved Wife and Mother...born 1968...died 1991

Jasna Kovac...Beloved Daughter and big Sister...born 1986...died 1991

Marko Kovac...Beloved Son and Brother...born 1989...died 1991

Lives lost before they had even had a chance to begin living. How many times had he heard their story while he was growing up, seen the small picture of the woman and young girl who held his father's heart captive.

"I've brought him back to you." Joe Kovac wiped the tears from his face as he spoke the words aloud, then stepped forward to touch the newest marker.

Luka Kovac...Beloved Husband and Father...born 1966...died 2041

"Back where he belongs."

Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 190
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance. - Oscar Wilde.

She was sixteen the first time I saw her, with long dark hair that fell in waves around her shoulders and dark eyes that sparkled like none I had ever seen before. It was in a coffeeshop, a place I'd never gone before and only chanced into on that day at that time. I knew she was young, she was with three or four others of around the same age and all of them were dressed in school uniforms of matching skirts, white blouses, and dark sweaters. It took me almost two weeks to work up the nerve to talk to her, but every day up to then I would go, just to watch her and try and work up the nerve to speak to her. I finally arranged to pay for her order before she got there, thinking then she would come talk to me if only to thank me.

We dated for two years, and each day it seemed our love for each other only grew deeper so that when she turned eighteen it only made sense that we would marry. Within the year we would welcome our first child, a daughter, and less than two years later our second, a son. Danijela and I were sure our life was that of which dreams were made, we spoke often of raising our children, of growing old together, of our plans for the future. We never dreamed that before our son reached his second birthday it would all end, but it did, and all that's left to me now are memories.

Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 263
Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 215

For three days he had felt like he was sleepwalking, going through the motions without really seeing or hearing anything around him. He was lost, and nothing anyone could say was going to change that. He had buried not just his wife, not just his daughter and his son, he had buried his life as well. He'd barely heard the words of condolence offered by those at the hospital. Neither his family nor Danijela's could risk the journey to Vukovar for the funerals, and he'd refused to have those from the hospital accompany him to the grave-site. The truth was he didn't want to share his grief with anyone. So now, with the funerals over, he was back to haunt the place where it had all begun. Standing on the sidewalk in front of the rubble that had once been their apartment building he found himself once more praying for some lone sniper to center him in their sights, to put an end to the pain that was tearing him apart. How many more days would he do this? What did he hope to gain from it? The questions were ones he couldn't answer and might never be able to, but here he was. Only when it became too dark to see did he finally force himself to turn away, knowing as he did that he'd return again at first light.
Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 778

I deal with the frailty of life on a daily basis but it wasn't until the birth of my new son that I fully realized how overwhelming it can be to those on the outside. My son, our son, Josip, Joe, was born ten weeks premature, Abby delivered him by cesarean, and for the first twenty-four hours of his life I stood vigil alone at his bedside. He was rushed immediately from the delivery room to the NICU, the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, and though I wanted to stay at Abby's side she insisted I stay with our son, without voicing it I think she sensed how fragile he was and feared he might die alone if I remained. It was a fear I shared, but dared not say aloud, maybe because I thought that by doing so it would somehow give it more strength and the thought of losing him, losing yet another child was more than I was ready to face.

Watching over Joe gave me lots of time to think, and one thing that kept repeatedly coming back to me was why was I again being punished? It's been fifteen years since I lost Danijela and our children, fifteen years...a lifetime it seems at times. I kept thinking back on all the years I'd wasted grieving their loss, wallowing in self pity and guilt, worse though was remembering how often I'd prayed for death to find it's way to me so I could be with them.

It wasn't easy to let my past go, I spent close to eight years living with the memories of Danijela and our time together as my means of comfort, my source of love. When I opened the door enough to allow Carol in it was a big step and I know I made mistakes, but at least I was starting to live again. I think I saw my heart as a piece of glass then, something very fragile. It had been shattered when Danijela and our children died, then somehow repaired. I think I tried too hard with Carol, I wanted a family so badly that I wasn't able to see that it wasn't her alone that drew me to them, it was the very fact that she was alone with those two children and they needed a father as badly as I needed to be one again. When she told me she was leaving I honestly believed I had lost my last hope of being a father again.

It was hard looking back at the mistakes I made with Abby our first time around, but I think I it was something I had to do if I want to make sure that those mistakes aren't repeated between us this time. One of the things Abby accused me of at that time was being married to a ghost, and though I didn't want to admit it then I can now. Danijela will always be part of who I am, I'll always love her, and I can only hope that Abby will understand that it doesn't mean I love her any less.

Within that same fragile balance will be the one that will exist between Joe and Jasna and Marko. I want Joe to know his big sister and brother even though they aren't here. I want to share my memories of them with him as he grows in a way that will bring happy feelings and not ones of sadness. I think that in itself may be something I'll have to work on with Abby. When we were together before I never felt I could talk about Danijela or my children with her, or maybe it was that I didn't want to share them with her. I realize now that it's something I need to do if I want her to really understand me and how I reached the place where I am in my life. The years I spent with Danijela were ones that played a huge part in shaping me into the man I am today, but more importantly the father I'll be to Joe.

I see things with Abby, and now with Joe as an open door to the second chances I never dreamed I'd see, not just that of husband and father,but of having a family around me again. It's hard though ,to express the joy this brings me, especially when I realize that it comes marred by the sadness of knowing that Abby will be unable to bear another child. So, with this thought I come full circle to the frailty of life and the cycle begins again.
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How fitting that on this, the day that I'm leaving everything I know, that it should be raining. I've been fighting back the tears, trying to stay strong for my father, and it's as if the heavens themselves are crying for me. I feel like I'm abandoning Danijela and my children, my father, but I can't stay here, there's too much pain, too much loss.

The wipers sound their cadence as we drive, breaking the silence in the car brought on by the fact that neither my father nor I have the words to say what we need to say to each other. How do you tell someone who means so much to you why you have to go away from them to start living again?

I can't make him understand something I don't even fully understand. I do know that there are too many reminders here, too many things that take me back to what I've lost, too many places where I see those that are no longer here.

Instead we drive without words, father and son left to our own thoughts, hoping that when the time to part finally comes the words will be there. So, until then the only sound breaking the quiet comes from the heavens, the drops striking the windshield, as they continue to shed their tears.

Muse: Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 222
For this Picture:
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"What do you think?" Luka asked the question quietly as he paused, letting the small boat drift, his oars still in the water.

"It's beautiful, Luka." Danijela smiled, watching the face of her new husband as he seemed to always be watching her. "You like coming here."

"I always have, since I was a little boy." He returned her smile as he pulled the oars from the water and laid them in the boat near his feet. "Coming to Baka and Djed's was something I always looked forward to, there was so much to do, and it was so different from being in the City."

"It's so quiet, so calm." Danijela had slipped her shoes off and lifted her feet now so that she could prop them in Luka's lap. As he began to rub them she released a contented sigh. "I could get used to this, maybe we could stay here, instead of going to Vukovar."

Luka laughed, before shaking his head. "I wish we could but you know classes will be starting soon, we've got to go and find a place to live before that happens. Don't worry, we'll have plenty of times to come back, my grandparents will never sell this place, and who knows, maybe one day we can move here with our children." He gave a final squeeze to her feet before reaching once more for the oars and dropping them back into the water.

"I think I'd like that Luka." Danijela smiled at her husband again before leaning back and letting the face warm her face, "Yes, I'd like that alot.

Muse: Luka Kova/ER
Words: 272
Melancholy...1991 Croatia

Laying on his side in the medical tent Luka found himself wishing for quiet, it was never quiet here. It had only been three days since he'd been found on the side of the road near death, three days since he had been forced back into a life that he had no desire to be in. He spent most of his time sleeping but those increasing hours awake were inevitably being filled not just with memories, but with the sounds of families living a life he would never again know.

Leaning over the edge of the cot he succumbed to an intense barrage of coughing as his lungs battled against the pneumonia that infested them. Conditions here were harsh, supplies limited and he still clung to the hope that death would find him.

"You're awake." His coughing had attracted one of the nurses to his side and she braced her hand against his thin back, supporting him as it ran it's course.

"Are you hungry? I have some broth and tea for you." When she received little more than an icy stare in response the woman drew back.

"Govorite li engleski?" She waited a moment more, studying his face until he laid back down and turned his back to her. "Have it your own way. She returned to her own language before moving on to the man in the next bed.

In truth Luka did speak English, and the quiet rumble of his stomach told him that it would have welcomed the broth and tea she'd been offering, but he didn't want comfort from them, not yet. He had made his peace with God, he was ready to join his family, he didn't ask them to save him. It was his life. What right did they have to bring him here, to force him to accept care when what he really wanted was death?

Yet another round of coughing silenced his thoughts and left him exhausted. All he wanted now was sleep, and the death they denied him, laying back down he turned once more on his side. Pulling the thin blanket over his shoulder he closed his eyes and willed his mind to silence the voices in the tent. There was no guarantee that his sleep would not bring another nightmare, but he clung to the hope that it could just as easily bring a fonder memory, one in which he might, if only for a moment, be reunited with Danijela and his children, and it was that thought on whose wings he was carried off to sleep.

Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 433

Cross-posted to Talking Muses and 100Moods
Is there any question to how I might respond to this? How could anyone ever look upon the face of their own dead or dying child and not forever have that image embedded into their memory? It's hard to decide whose is the most difficult to live with, each carry their own degrees of guilt with them.

Markos are first, layers under that of his sister's as he was under his crib when I first found him. All that was visible of him in that first moment was his tiny hand, reaching up through the rungs of his crib as if somehow he hoped someone might see it and save him, though no one could, for I found him too late. Even as I saw it I could do nothing because I knew in that instant that he was gone and there was still hope for his mother and sister. I had lost my youngest, my baby boy before he could even turn two. How long had he clung to life with that hope of being saved?

Jasna's life would hang in the balance for far longer and I would have hours to struggle to save her, knowing that in choosing her I was condemning her mother to death. I think Danijela knew how badly she was injured even though she remained silent to me of the pain she was in. How could she complain, and risk her needs being placed ahead of that of her firstborn? In the end I would lose them both, mother and daughter, so alike, yet at times so very different.

The hardest memory of that night is of my unburying Marko, I couldn't leave him like that, even as tired as I was. He was alone and I needed him with us. From somewhere I found the energy to pull the debris from his small body, he might have been sleeping for the peace that was on his face. I wiped my tears from his cheeks as they wet them, using them to clean the dirt away before I carried him to Danijela. It seemed only right that she have her babies with her, and I placed him, as I had Jasna in her arms before laying next to them.

It was there that I was found when help finally arrived.

Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 381
He had worked a double shift and still sleep was eluding him, rather than waking Abby, Luka eased the covers back and slipped from the bed. He knew what was bothering him, the same thing that had been bothering him off and on since Abby had told him she was pregnant. He had to make peace with this before the baby was born. As he settled at the desk in the living-room he found himself releasing a breath he hadn't realized he held. What was he so afraid of? Pulling out paper and a pen he started the first of the letters he knew he had to write.

My beloved son Marko,

It's hard to believe you would be the age your mother was when first I saw her, that so many years have passed since I first held you in my arms. You were so tiny and I fell in love with you from the first moment I saw you in the hospital. Every day since I lost you, Mama, and Jasna, I've missed having you with me. I think about all the things you were never able to experience, and what I would have given to have traded my life for yours if it had been possible. I loved you so much, still love you, and wanted you to know that you're going to become a big brother. It's been hard for me, for so many years I was afraid to allow myself to think about having another family for fear that it might mean betraying you and my memories of you. I know now that doesn't have to happen, and if anything those memories will only strengthen as I share them with your new brother or sister. So, for that reason I wanted to share this news with you.

I love you baby, and always will, Tata.

Rereading the letter brought tears to his eyes but it also brought the closure he knew he had hoped to find in it's writing. As he finished he slid it in an envelope only to reach for then begin the next...

My beautiful daughter Jasna...

Luka Kovac/ER
Words: 353

Cross Posted to Talking Muses
What is your greatest fear?  Words: 312
There was a time not so long ago where I would have said that my greatest fear was that I would never again have the chance to be a husband or father again.  Losing Danijela and my children during the siege on Vukovar had left an emptiness inside of me that I was sure could never be replaced by anything.  It didn't help that I accepted full blame for our being in the City.  It was my fault that their lives had been placed in danger, for not leaving when we'd had the chance.  It had been my fault that I hadn't been able to save them when they had been injured. 
When Abby told me she was pregnant I wasn't sure how to react, I was stunned, then frightened, what if she decided to abort the child?  I knew she didn't want to be a mother, not with the way Maggie was but I still knew I wanted my child.  When she decided to keep the pregnancy I was thrilled, I was going to become a father again.  Abby and I haven't discussed marriage, I think it's too soon for that, but, I'll do what's best for the child and for her.
So, what is my Greatest fear now? My fear is that I won't be the kind of father to this child I was with my first two.  That somehow, my loss of them will carry over to how I treat this one and I'll find myself overprotective.  I don't want to deny this child any of the experiences they deserve to have in life but I'm scared.  This child is a dream come true to me, and if anything were to happen to it I think it would kill me.  So, maybe in truth that's the Greatest fear,that my child won't survive, because I can't go through that again.


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