Luka Kovac (writing and gaming persona)

3am...for the fourth time in as many hours, Luka found himself wakened by the sound of his son's crying. With a quiet sigh he eased out from under the covers, taking care not to wake his wife as she continued to sleep beside him. It seemed strange that she too wouldn't have heard Joe's cries, but, maybe it was just one more symptom to add to the list of things that he should have seen but hadn't.

"Shhh, Joe, it's all right, Tata's here." He whispered the words he hoped would quiet the toddler as he reached his crib, then, unable to deny the request signified by his son's up-stretched hands, lifted him out of it.

"I know, it's hard to get used to being home again." As Joe laid his head on his shoulder Luka rubbed his back.

"You want Tata to sing to you?" However difficult everything that was happening might be for he and Abby, the last thing either of them wanted was for it to disrupt their son's life. They had to find a way to make things work, they had to.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 188


Luka's Lullaby to Joe...http://youtube.com/watch?v=JnQCHbaNzbE

"I swear I didn't put those who came in after Curtis Ames before him because I saw them as somehow more important than he was, though to him it may have seemed that way. Part of being an Attending is being able to see past the individual, and to see only the symptoms that brought them into the ER. I would love to have the luxury of being able to give unlimited time to each patient, to be able to be at their bedside within seconds of any call they make, but, the reality is that's impossible.

On most shifts I'm responsible for overseeing the treatment of upwards to 40 or more patients, as well as the Residents, Med Students, and Nursing Staff who are looking after them. In this instance, I recommended we admit Curtis Ames for observation and treatment, he refused, as a secondary course of action he was monitored in the ER where he suffered his stroke. At that time he was advised on a course of treatment that might have reversed the damage the stroke had done, he refused that as well. Do I regret what happened to him? Of course I do, but, I don't see what we could have done to prevent what happened."

As he finished Luka turned toward the jury for the first time since he had begun speaking. It was next to impossible to know how they would interpret his testimony, but, there was nothing he could do about it now. No, now, it was the Prosecution's turn to ask their questions.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 241

"Never pray for justice, because you might get some."
Margaret Atwood.

Every doctor wants to believe that they are providing the best possible care to every patient they see, but, the truth is, that isn't always the case. When I first saw Curtis Ames I didn't see his condition as that serious, and I certainly never thought it would reach the state it eventually did. I did feel it warranted observation however, but, when I suggested admission to the hospital to Mr. Ames, he refused. Knowing that he still needed to undergo treatment that could not be done with him as an out-patient I was forced to keep him in the Emergency Room so his condition could be monitored. During the time of his treatment I was responsible for following the care of some 40 other patients as well as overseeing the doctors and students who were working. I don't believe that Mr. Ames care was jeopardized by how his case was handled in the ER despite the fact that he suffered a stroke while there. He of course disputed that which is what prompted his lawsuit against me.

No doctor wants someone else to second guess their decisions on a patient's treatment but, it's something we routinely face when a patient dies and we are called upon to present their case during a M and M hearing. A malpractice lawsuit is something entirely different, not just because our competency is being forced out into the public arena, but, also because we are no longer being judged by our peers. Mr. Ames lawsuit was my first, and hopefully my last, experience with a malpractice case, and even now, I can't tell you what exactly he was looking to gain from it. I do know, that when he lost the case, it set in motion a series of events that will likely haunt me for the rest of my life.

I wish I could say that my victory in the courtroom was the end of my dealings with Curtis Ames, but it wasn't. In a way, we were both looking for justice in the verdict that was issued by the jurors in the case, and where I felt I had received it, he saw quite the opposite. If you had seen his reaction to the verdict, his anger and disappointment, you couldn't help but feel for him, and on that day he must have decided he was left no option but to find his justice another way.

I don't know when Curtis Ames began stalking me or my family, I only learned later how close he'd actually came to them, going so far as to have an actual conversation with Abby, and to learn my son's name. I can't begin to describe the revulsion, then fear I felt at receiving Joe's stuffed frog in the mail, at realizing what Ames might have done to them had he wanted to cause me true pain. As it was, he chose instead to terrorize them, invading our home to hold them at gunpoint before taking me hostage so he could extract the justice he felt he had been denied.

So much of that night I want to forget, so much I never will. In the end, Curtis Ames' need for things to be the way they once were, destroyed any hope he might have to move forward with his life. For him, he saw death as his only escape from what his life had become. I was lucky, I escaped with only bruises and a crushed hand, my family was safe, over time our memories of all we had been through would fade, and maybe, just maybe I would never again have a patient who had to go through what Curtis Ames went through. Thinking back on it now, maybe that was the justice Curtis Ames was looking for, sadly for him, we'll never know.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 745

"Luka, you have to move on with your life, you have to find someone else to love, start a new family. One day you'll find someone you'll love as much as you loved Danijela, who'll love you as she loved you, you'll see."

In those early months after I returned to their home, my parents repeated those words often, anything to find a way to break through the depression that I wore as a second skin. In those early months nothing mattered to me, I avoided both friends and family, choosing instead to live in the past. I forced myself to re-live those final hours of my wife and children's lives as if I could somehow do something differently and change the outcome. No matter what I did, no matter how many times I went over that day in my head, it always ended up the same. I reached the point where I could call up each image as if it were a snapshot, from my baby boy's hand as he reached through the rungs of his crib, making his last plea for help before death claimed him. To my wife's face as I told her that her of his death, but, none so clear as those of my little girl's face as I fought to keep her alive, and then her face as I knew I had failed her. How was I to believe that I could just move on and find someone to replace them?

It took me fourteen years to find my way to Abby, and while what we have is nothing like what I had with Danijela, it is enough. I don't think my parents intentionally lied to me, I just think they didn't understand what Danijela and I had between us, they couldn't understand that our bond didn't end with her death. Abby and I have something Danijela and I didn't and in a way, I think it's enough, though I know I'll always miss my first love.

When our son Joe came, I knew he would not replace the places in my heart that Marko and Jasna held, but I found room for him and that is what mattered. So, no, Mama and Tata, I didn't find someone to love in the way I loved Danijela, but, I did find room in my heart to love again, and after far too many years of living in the past, I've finally started looking to the future, and I think that's what you wanted me to do all along.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 425

I should have known something was wrong from the sound of Abby's voice when she called me. I should have realized that there was more to the call then her just wanting me there with her and Joe. I'd been with her long enough to recognize the signs if only I had taken the time to listen for them. I can't even begin to describe what went through my mind when I reached the apartment and found Curtis Ames there holding a gun on Abby and our infant son. Why hadn't I listened more closely, why hadn't I realized something was wrong?

There was never a doubt in my mind I would do as he asked, I don't think I even thought about the consequences. It didn't matter what he might do to me, but, I wasn't going to risk anything more happening to Abby and Joe, they had already been through far too much. When he demanded I leave with him there was no question of my complying, it was impossible for me to do anything else, and in those moments it was as if I were blind to seeing anything but him and what he was demanding of me.

I would have given anything to have gone to Joe before I left with Ames, to have held my son in my arms and inhaled the scent of him, to have kissed him, and whispered my love for him. I wish too that I could have gone to Abby. I wanted so badly in those final moments to hold her, I wanted her to know how grateful I was for the time we'd had and for the gift of our son. More importantly I wish I could have told her how much her love meant to me, because I was sure that in leaving I would never see either of them again.

I didn't dare look back as I left our apartment with Curtis Ames, for as difficult as it was to agree to go with him, it would have been next to impossible if the last thing I had seen was Abby's face. You see, I know what would have been written there, and seeing her expression change as I defied her unspoken plea to remain, would have been even harder than that.

So, I left them, the two people who were my life. I left them, believing that in doing so I would never see them again, but, knowing that they would be safe, and in my heart, in my head I could think of nothing more valuable that I could leave with them then that gift of safety if I could no longer be with them.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 453

Standing in the road, watching Abby drive away from Joe and I, I can't help but find myself questioning what we have done to deserve this after all we have faced. I think about the challenges Abby and I confronted during our first year together, and how in the end they proved more then our relationship could handle. The bitterness of the words we exchanged when we parted ways, and how we both regretted them when we looked back on them much later. Somehow, we managed to find our way back from that place, we built a friendship from the rubble and without even realizing it, love slowly took root.

I don't think either of us expected we would again become a couple, we certainly never expected to have a child together, but, once the commitment was made we both were determined to make it work. There was no rushing into things this time, it wasn't just about sex, for the first time we began to talk, to discover what made each other who we were, and I guess in a way, that meant dealing with each other's fears as well. In a way, I think that's what made it so hard for Abby to tell me she was pregnant. She had so many fears about being a mother, not just because she was worried about turning out like Maggie, but, because she was so unsure about herself. I thought she had mastered those fears when she decided not to have the abortion, but, maybe I was wrong.

Once the decision was made to keep the baby, things seemed to get better for us, sure we had our challenges, what couple doesn't, but, we faced them together, and we overcame them. There were times when I wasn't sure we would make it, when I feared for our very lives, when I saw her fall after Steve had kidnapped Sam, when Joe fought for his life in those first few months, when I left the apartment that night with Curtis Ames. Any of those would have taxed a relationship, but, we survived, so why was my leaving to take care of my ill father so different? What was it about this time that made it unlike all the others? I wish I would have been a fly on the wall, that I could go back and see what it was about those months that made them so much more difficult for Abby. What about them caused her to undo all she had worked so hard for and let her endanger not just Joe's safety but her own.

Watching her drive away from us now, I know she would never have willingly hurt Joe, but, who she is when she's drinking is not the person she is sober. I know Abby knows that, I think that's why she needs to do this now, why she wants Joe and I to go to Croatia alone. I can't help but worry that something will happen in her treatment to make her decide that life with Joe and I is too much for her, I hope I'm wrong. Time will tell, but, we'll be there, waiting for her, whenever she's ready for us to come home.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 545

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about any one thing you wished ~ concerning yourself, your life, the future, or anything else ~ what would you want to know?

I never thought I would experience the hardship of being a single parent, but, in some ways, the life I'm living now is very much like that. Having come back to Croatia with Joe and knowing that Abby can't be a participant in this part of our lives makes me realize how hard these past months had to have been on her. Knowing she was doing the same while I was tending to my father, if only we had talked more about what was happening, maybe things wouldn't have gotten to where they are. I don't know that it would have changed anything, that it could have changed what was meant to happen to us, but, I can't stop thinking that it couldn't have hurt.

It's different being back in Croatia now, having the responsibility of my son's care in my hands. For so many years I avoided coming home because the memories that came with the visits were always ones of sadness and loss, but now, I can't help but see things with completely different eyes, for my son, I have to.

I used to pray that I could forget the past, all the memories of Danijela, of Jasna and Marko that used to haunt me in my waking hours, that visited me through nightmares. Having Joe here now, taking him to places I shared with those long gone, I now find myself clinging to those same memories, hoping that through them that one day he can know the brother and sister he will never be able to meet. How is it that someone so small can undo so much pain and loss in such a short time?

It's been sixteen years since my world fell apart and I had all but given up on ever knowing happiness again. Now, here I am, back where I started so many years before, and as hard as it is for me to admit to anyone, especially myself, I'm scared. I know too well how unfair life can be, and the thought of history repeating itself is something that can leave me clinging to the toilet bowl as dry heaves tear through me. I wish sometimes, that I could peek into a crystal ball, if only to steal a glimpse of what the future might hold. Never for me though, whatever happens to me can happen, if I could see for Joe, to know he was going to be happy in his life, but, mostly, to just know he would always be safe. That would be enough, I don't need to know any more then that.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 433

A small black and white picture, for years it's been the only thing I've had to remind me of the family I lost a lifetime ago. It was taken at Jasna's birthday party, the year she turned four, we had no way then of knowing it was the last she would ever have, or that the picture of the birthday girl and her mother would be the only reminder of a family lost too young to war.

I can't tell you how many times I've held that small photograph in my hands over the years since it was taken. In those early years it brought me sorrow, more for the one who wasn't there then for those that were, for I never had the luxury of even that small a reminder of my son. Later, I found myself using it as a way of sharing my life with them, I guess I thought that somehow by talking to it my words might find their way to them wherever they were.

I don't find myself relying on the photograph as much these days but, that doesn't mean I miss those captured in it's image any less, they like Marko will always be with me, a part of me. Who knows, one day there may come a time when I may frame the photograph and hang it on the wall, but, not yet, no, I'm still not ready for that, for now, I still need to keep them close to me.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 251

My father died tonight. I should have been there with him, we should have been there with him, Niko and I, Abby, Joe, all of us, but we weren't. We were here, thousands of miles away and he was there alone. No one should have to die alone.

No one will blame us for not being there with him of course, they'll say we couldn't have known, he was doing so well when Niko and I left, it's why we thought it was safe to come to the States. But, we were wrong. So, while we were here, laughing and having a good time, he was there, among strangers, alone. I should have known better, I'm a doctor, I know all of the signs, why couldn't I see them for him?

I'll never forgive myself for not taking Abby and Joe with me when I went home to see him, for not giving him the chance to see the two people who have given me back my reason for living. I would give anything to be able to rewind time and allow him the chance to hold his grandson in his arms, even if only for a few short moments.

The death's of Jasna and Marko was something we rarely talked about, I'm sure mainly because he wanted to spare me the pain of reliving them. I know there were times he tried to bring them up, but, I always managed to stop him, and I know for many years he worried that I would never again allow anyone to fill the void their death's left in my heart.

How do I forgive myself now for not giving him the chance to meet the woman who makes me feel the way Danijela did? For the longest time I know he worried that I would never know those feelings again, that I would never be a husband and a father again. Why did I go alone? Why couldn't I have taken them with me so he could have seen that the one thing he had tried to tell me was possible all those years ago, the thing I refused to believe, really had come true?

You were right, Tata. All those years I wallowed in my grief, all those years I wasted on self pity, you always told me there was someone out there for me, someone who would make me feel the way Danijela made me feel. I didn't want to hear you then, especially when you told me I would even know the joy of being a father again, because I thought to know that meant forgetting the babies I'd lost. Why couldn't I have said these things to you when you were alive? Why, do I always learn the lessons too late?

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 444

People are dying. How can anyone consider life a game? We live in a world where children are fighting for their very lives because there isn't food for them to eat. Far too many are orphans, raising younger brothers and sisters because their parents have lost their lives to illnesses that could have been treated were they not so poor that they couldn't afford the medicines they need if they could even reach medical treatment. They have little hope of becoming any more then their parents were because they are too busy struggling to support themselves, and education is just a dream they will never know.

As much as we wish it weren't the case, nothing really changes, the hatreds of the past remain, nature rears it's head and releases her fury, and still the victims fall, innocents who want nothing more than to live their lives in a peace they will never know. Iraq, Palestine, Israel, Afghanistan, North Korea, Darfur, The Congo, Peru, Indonesia...how many deaths will it take for someone to notice?

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 174